Perspective

I lost a job today. A real one, not a freelance writing/design gig but one where I show up to work and get paid in the real world doing real things. Pizza delivery, to be exact. And I got a call last night telling me that my services were no longer required, effective immediately. 

It's a kick in the nuts, for sure, but not altogether sure how upset I am about that. Enough to blog about it, yeah, but only because having the extra cash was really helpful in these tight times. What's worse is that it's because $60 went missing during my last shift there. Not that I was accused of anything, just that my services are no longer needed. Which means I was fired for stealing or incompetence. Seeing as the job was under the table, nothing to do about it. I don't even feel an insult to my honor because it's not the only slap to my integrity lately. 

The better part of yesterday was spent in legal mediation and while I can't get into the details, allow me to simply state it was a bigger slap to the face than I had expected. Being accused of stealing/losing $60 is nothing compared to being told I can't hold down a job for long and therefore would not have had a successful career as a press operator. 

But I'm not here to bitch about the details. I'm here to write about the heart of the matter. Perspective. It's what we all try to discern in times of crisis and losing it causes us to lose our identity along the way. We become embroiled in a cloud of doubt and define ourselves based on our struggles and not our accomplishments. After having my testies verbally handed to me yesterday, it's become apparent that I've lost perspective on life and my battles. I'm so unbelievably tired of defining myself by these events and allowing them to eat away at my spirit. I've spent so much time concerning myself with how my choices and actions will be viewed and interpreted only to have everything thrown in my face in a way I did not expect. And these struggles aren't going away any time soon. If anything, they're digging in their heels. 

Well, so am I but I'm also not going to focus my attention on them either. Let me focus on how I am and simply be that person, let all these barbs, whips, and chains flail around as they will. I can't let myself be defined by what others think of me or do to me. I need to be me.