Monday, 17 September 2012

Two Years

I am the Warden!!

That's right, two years ago today saw my world turned upside down. Or at least rammed from the driver's side and shoved into a ditch. At 4:02 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2010, I was nearly killed.

Hence I look at the shape of things two years later and ask myself where things stand now compared to then. For the sake of today's solemn memorial, I'm concentrating solely on the accident and its effects.

Pain: That ever constant bitch gnawing on my right foot continues to this day, so much that I'm off to a pain clinic this afternoon for treatment. And what is that treatment? Pills and a recommendation of various exercises.

Mobility: I get around well enough, though with a moderate limp toned down by orthotics. The dogs still get their frequent walks and I still go up to an hour at a time, but it requires pushing and aggressive force ("I will walk to that park tonight!") to make it happen. Paved walkways only, never hiking and I do miss my hikes.

Standing: This is what destroyed my career. Still can only stand comfortably for 5-10 minutes and, as a press operator, that's no good.

Memory: I have a memory problem? I kid, I kid, it's still a serious issue. That being said, I have techniques in place to help remember the important matters or at least find them on my eye-phone or bulletin board.

Concentration: Of all the issues I deal with on a daily basis, this one causes the most pain. Not literally, but emotionally. Growing up as an introverted, scrawny kid, you tend to rely on your brain for inspiration, company, and salvation. I could multitask and juggle a half-dozen tasks without skipping a beat. Now I'm thrown off when one of the dogs licks my arm while I'm working.

This issue remains my biggest concern about returning as a functional and independent man. At home, I can control my environment to a limited degree and maintain a somewhat steady pace without fuzzing out, but even then I need to mentally crash at least once a week. That's not to say I'm useless - fuck that - but on days like today, I can feel the difference in how my brain processes information.

Dignity: There's a reason why I've saved this point for last and it's the main cause for my "down" attitude this morning. I am the victim of a horrible accident and I have to prove it every day, all while trying to prove to myself that I am no one's victim. Every conversation I start with a person nearly every day involves answering questions on how I'm feeling, how's the foot, how often am I walking on it, do I have trouble going up and down stairs, am I still afraid of driving, how depressed do I feel, and/or what level of pain am I in.

On the surface, it's all par for the course and probably wouldn't bug me if it weren't for one disturbing possibility: that a private investigator might be watching me. To my knowledge, this has never happened, but paranoia does not believe in reason. Hell, someone involved with my claim could be reading this very post and taking notes. Or any of my posts, online activities, purchases, recording me as I mow the lawn in agony. All of these are performed in public, yes, but the idea they would be used to "monitor" me from afar...

Two years ago, I had dignity. I can live with the pain, I've learned to deal with the cognitive issues. I just want my dignity back.

Happy anniversary.

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