Weight of the World

Anyone who's used to reading this blog, catching the infrequent post here and there, or simply know anything about my work may have noticed one indisputable fact: I ain't written a damn thing on here in over a month. Yeah, it's been a while and like all absences, there's a reason. Maybe even several but they're all lumped into one category. Regardless of those reasons, it's become manifested in a near inability to write. Anything. Regular readers may notice something missing from the start of this post, a signature catch phrase marking the beginning of every other post every made on this blog because it just doesn't seem appropriate right now. Or any more.

I've been having a very hard time lately. Stressed, weary, and depressed. It seems the weight of the world has finally bore down on these shoulders that have endured so much low these past three-and-a-half years, leaving me with only two choices. Carry on as I have been for some time and push these struggles aside until yet another date or accept reality and do something about it. In a bizarre way, I've gone with a lazy version of the second choice and dumped a few challenges from my list.

My readership is low, so expecting everyone to know what's going on is silly. Even then, I've never truly shared my burdens and those of my family, instead willing to tease snippets and move on before anyone can poke and prod. Big mistake. I've been keeping a lot to myself for a while now and it's taken a toll, such as...

• The physical pain. Mild compared to what many others with chronic pain endure on a daily basis, yet still an issue nonetheless. Yes, there's medication but those come with side effects as well, from lack of appetite to riding the high and the following lows when you have to take a lot of pills. Winter has always been tricky with regards to pain as the fluctuating temperatures cause the nerves to fire up or slipping on a patch of ice tweaks my foot in just the right way to send me out of commission for the rest of the day. Mix that with bad knees and a propensity to lean heavily on my good (left) side too often and you have a glimpse of what's going on. 
• The cognitive issues. This has recently become a serious concern as my full-time job ramped into high gear during the ski season. Working in a low-traffic, average office setting started out well and I was rather impressed with myself for being able to operate - even thrive - in an open environment. Now that people have been moved around and this place has become a phone-ringing, conference-calling, power-meeting place-to-be for everyone in Front Office, things have become complicated. I've suffered five episodes of what I call "fuzziness," including one incident where my co-workers called 911 when I was passed out at my desk and was non-responsive for several minutes. By the time I returned to functional, the paramedics had already arrived to do their thing and I was done for the day. 
• The workload. Related to the cognitive issues, this is more about the number of things on my plate at one time and is also the area with the most control over my situation. In a given week, I had my full-time job at Calabogie, a part-time job delivering pizzas until midnight, freelance work writing for Xenopedia/Mercenary Breed, keeping up with house chores while my wife powered through her school work, taking online classes, rough designs for projects like Optional Core, walking the dogs, tutoring and finally trying to have some time to relax and re-power the engines. I'm a very task- and deadline-oriented person and failing to keep up on so many duties was doing serious damage. My schedule was so crowded, I had to bail on visiting my family for Christmas and I still haven't had a chance to see them for the holidays (they're only a two-hour drive away from us). 
• The financial problems. I've never been good with money. Something I said last month stuck with me and has become my new motto: "I've never had money but I've always had my pride." The accident brought on serious consequences to our finances, especially when I wasn't able to work for three years and had to support my wife with her own problems. (We're getting there, don't worry.) Money was always tight and the only means we had available were through the insurance company (who bailed after two years) and the still-ongoing lawsuit. Now that I'm working from the bottom of a new ladder and still struggling to keep up with our payments - including rent - all while busting my ass to keep up with these waves, money problems have become a major sore spot. To the point that I literally shake and feel chest pains when I see a bill in the mail or try to sit down and update our personal budgets. 
• The missus' medical issues. My wife has a serious form of epilepsy (she's also been unable to work for three years now) and depression. Before the accident, I was her rock and was able to keep the world immediately around her stable while she learned to cope with her recently diagnosed conditions. Since the accident, it all became too much for her and there have been problems I will not go into here. They aren't my problems to share but the stress of knowing I'm powerless to do anything about them is mine and I'm sharing that. 

Neither one of these takes precedence over another and they all intermingle with each other. For example, working two jobs to try and stay afloat increased the pain, which bumped up the amount of meds I was taking, leading to that shitty feeling and fogging up my cognitive functions, meaning I had to miss out on some work days and not get paid for those missing days. All of this has been reasonably kept to myself. No more. 

It all came to head when my wife received $4000 from OSAP (Ontario student loans) related to her school work. We didn't expect this money and our first thoughts were on someone screwing up. "Nah, can't be right. Someone will realize their mistake and it'll be gone in a couple of days." At that very moment, I freaked out and broke down. Like lying on the floor in the fetal position broke down. The straw that broke the camel's back. Or so I thought. There was another situation but, like I said, it's not my problem to share. 

There are a lot of people in the RPG community who battle depression and I think it's safe to say I'm one of them. It's not the first time hitting this brick wall and it seems to be a reoccurring challenge for creative types in general. They've been bold and made a point of sharing their issues to varying degrees of detail through blogs and tweets and I commend each and every one of them for taking the first step: admission. Perhaps it's time I did the same. 

In all honesty, part of me wanted to do the same years ago and be forward about my struggles but I listened to my lawyer and kept it to myself. Not that I'm a chatty person (I'm very quiet in the flesh unless we're talking gaming and game design, then you can't shut me up) but in my writing. I write because I can't express myself verbally the same way I can do with my fingers. But I was encouraged against such posts simply because it was all related to the lawsuit and I just don't give a shit about that anymore. I've allowed myself to become victim to a system that assumes more than assures and let the accident dominate my life, only to let me down and leave me out in the cold. I want to become my own man again and prove to myself what I'm capable of so fuck what I've been told. I've been a victim for far too long.

It's what I learned about depression long ago - you have to get yourself out of it. That's my take on such matters and not to be taken as gospel in any way, just what I've discovered about my depression. It's about perception and opinion with little to nothing related to fact. I have many reasons to be proud and happy - I won a fucking ENnie award for my first ever original RPG design and I'm married to someone whom I truly love and loves me just as much, if not more - but my opinion is that I've failed myself and those who count on me. Kind words, gentle reminders, and coaching from friends and family can only go so far. The solution is up to the individual. I can't be depressed while my wife suffers from clinical depression, that's what I tell myself. I need to fix myself so I can help her and be what she needs. It's not something I'm saying for her sake; it's for my own and it's what's prompted me to do what is necessary for both of us. A happy hubby makes a happy wife and vice versa. 

To that, I've made serious changes in my life. First, I took a break from all writing, including work on Xenopedia and Mercenary Breed (to which major thanks goes out to Aaron Huss from Mystical Throne, the publisher, for his incredible understanding and help with the situation), changed my part-time job to another one with less hours and better pay, started working from home once a week, dropped out of my online graphic design course, stopped tutoring (for now), and started enjoying time at home without chores, tasks, or duties. The missus has also dropped out of her course and that has taken a huge load off both our shoulders. We're starting to see the benefits of these choices already and there are more smiles in the house than there has been for a while. 

I am the Warden and I am depressed. I'm telling my story because it must be told, because silence only makes matters worse, and I want others to know they are never alone out there.

(To learn more about depression and its symptoms, I found this website to be helpful as a starting point.)

Juggling It All

I am The Warden!!

Recent events have really put a strain on many of my previous plans, but in a good way. For the past three years, I've had the unfortunate luxury of too much time to work on damn near any RPG project I wanted. What started with the final days of my Emerald Press work in D&D support became Broken Ruler Games and lead to nearly six ongoing projects waiting to be first to the finish line. Optional Core, Killshot Files, Wildpath, Fenga, and a couple more that have either never been mentioned or is not yet ready for an announcement. 

Now, I'm employed. And going to school. This seriously changes my output for the next while, yet I'm really glad it's working out this way. One, a little stability at home is far more important as my wife is busting her pretty little butt on her own school work. As cool as it is to have some cash coming in for Killshot, it's not even close to providing anything other than some online movie rentals and PDF purchases after covering all my core expenses (domain name, stock art for Killshot Files, etc.). 

Two, all of the work done over these past couple of years was an exploration into my potential and understanding of game design. I've learned a lot about my skills, the industry, marketing, and more that there's a solid ground for me to stand on now. I know what worked and what didn't, providing a stronger starting point for all the other projects on my plate. What remains standing as the smoke clears is an ability to cut through the hiccups and incertainties of before and get straight to work. 

The question is how to give all these ideas the time and devotion they need to either reach their endpoint or fold if the project loses its appeal. There's no doubt I won't be able to juggle as many projects as I could before and my new work will certainly occupy a lot of my attention and there's a (currently) top secret freelance project hogging that time. It doesn't mean the other projects will sit by the wayside, just that they've been paused. 

Juggling projects is like buying movies from the $5 bin. You grab it because the flick is a steal and you're excited to watch it, but that doesn't mean you get around to it right away. These projects will remain on my shelf; it's a matter of when I get to play them, not if. 

So if you've been reading this blog and there's a project (or two or four) you're tuned into, feel free to give me a little poke every now and then. I'll do my best to try and keep them on my plate without spinning onto the floor. 

Down To The Core, Part 3: Containing the d20

This is a gif of my favourite d20, Big Red.
And now I'm facing the dilemma of not using it
in Optional Core. 

I am the Warden!!

After two weeks of intense hair-pulling and stressing out over some of the most complex school work experienced to date, it's finally time to return to the world of game design. While I do have quite a few projects on my plate, there is the matter of how to incorporate the d20 into dice pools for Optional Core.

Last time I wrote something for this series, I addressed the problem of dice pool sizes and how the make the d20 fit this new model. Back in the good ol'Killshot days, it was entirely common to roll anywhere from 6-8 dice in a single roll, attack or defence. It worked just fine for the style of the game - not crazy fast-paced, but strategic and cautious. For Optional Core, speed is of the essence, but the system is still based on the Optional System powering Killshot and one of those fundamentals is the use of dice pools. Considering the issues addressed last time, that leaves me with one invaluable question to finally answer...

How many dice will provide the perfect balance for Optional Core?

I put this question to members of the Optional Core community two weeks ago and the general consensus was 4 to 6 dice per roll was a good average. I'd agree with that, though I'm trying to lean more towards 4 dice as the baseline for your average roll. Problem solved, right?

A Playtesting Triad

I am the Warden and these are my new projects!!

With Killshot's ENnie safely escorted to its new home, perhaps it's time to start looking to the future. Again. Don't get me wrong, it's not the end of Killshot. My plan is to have Killshot Files #2 on virtual shelves within the next week or two, but there's more swirling around in my cranial vortex than assassins and bloody violence. There's espionage and bloody violence, storytelling and bloody violence, and quick-play action (with a chance of bloody violence). 

I have three concepts in various stages of assembly at the moment, each of them vying for top spot on the playtesting radar. Two of them should be no surprise to regulars, one is getting as close to an official announcement as can be made, and all three need to be tested. While I will most definitely have my award-winning Development Team try them out in various stages and at various times, these guys have regular lives and their own games in the works. That means I need to broaden my horizons privately before trying to go public with them. 

So here's what I'm looking for and doing so does not imply either of these projects will ever see the light of day (though Optional Core certainly gets preferential treatment because of its wide potential). Each of the three concepts is presented below in one paragraph to varying degrees of detail. If you see anything you like and want to playtest online, post a comment below and I'll add you to the list. 

Here we go. 

Gaming With Icons

I am the Warden!!

Since the last time I wrote about Optional Core, I've been wondering how to present a quick-play system as quickly and efficiently as possible. Poking around throughout the RPG marketplace, I found myself checking out some in-progress work for icons by Chris Tregenza and his card-based RPG system, 6d6 (as well as a few others I forgot to bookmark). It's an approach to game presentation that's picked up speed recently, with D&D's 4th edition and Fate Core as the most prominent examples. Over the past week, I've been dabbling with some icon designs for Optional Core and they're now ready for public sharing and input.

A Year of Killshot

I am the Warden!!

Yesterday, I posted the sales results for Killshot after a year on the shelf. Today, I'm looking at those results from a game designer POV.

As a publisher, it's my decision that Killshot is financially successful, but only by a small margin. While it's currently in the hole by $121, that's easy enough to make back over a few more months if things continue on a predicted course (meaning the attention from last month slows down exponentially until it dries up again by the end of the year). While it's not a profit, it's not a loss either and in independent publishing, that's pretty good for a first time at bat.

Regular readers and Killshot fans will know I've been knee deep in putting together a sequel to the game, Killshot Reloaded. With this kind of information in tow, especially when combined with the ENnie award (which is a HUGE factor compared to the same time last month), I need to make adjustments and decisions about Reloaded, how it will be designed, and how it will be released. Plus it's handy for other project down the road as well, especially with Optional Core.

The thing about Killshot as a whole is that it was one big experiment. Everything, every single step in the process, including design, was an experiment to analyze for future projects. How it was released was another step in the experimentation and these numbers provide some crucial facts on the success and failures of that experiment. Here's what I've gathered.

Down To The Core, Part 2: All These Dice

Just like its older sister, the Optional System, this new version
uses dice pools to settle arguments and conflicts. 

I am the Warden!!

It's time to get to the nitty-gritty and talk about how to construct this system. Along the way, I'll be talking about some of the fundamental from the original Optional System and will try to explain these concepts and mechanics along the way. For additional information and insight into how the original system works, feel free to pick up the Pay What You Want version of Killshot (you don't even have to pay anything for it, I don't mind).

Before I can put one solid word on paper, there's a serious hurdle to overcome in Optional Core's construction: dice pools. It's a staple of the original Optional System, where players and Directors build up a dice pool from various attributes, modifiers, gear, and difficulty levels to roll against each other, a facet that will remain in Optional Core. Here's a bullet point list of the key points for dice pools in the system's previous incarnation.

1. All dice types are assigned a group category detailing their source, or reason for use. All d20s are base dice and represent the luck of the draw outside of everyone's reach; d12s are focus dice to represent every character's basic training and versatility; d10s are circumstance dice for outside factors manipulated by the characters (such as modifiers); d8s are option dice assigned by the individual option used in a dice roll; d6s are trained skills for everyone's skills; and d4s are bonus dice just because everyone needs that extra push now and then. 
2. Each dice group is limited in when it can be added to the roll, with the larger groups (base dice, focus dice, etc.) being more frequent than the smaller ones. In other words, every roll uses at least a base die (d20) while bonus dice (d4s) are few and far between.
3. All dice explode. When you roll the highest number on that die, you can roll another one and add to your running total. 
4. When your base dice explode, you gain a training point. You can use it to increase your experience and training between sessions or cash some in for immediate benefits, such as bonus dice. 
5. As a campaign continues forward, characters can increase the number of dice available in their individual stats, focus, skills, etc. and increase the size of their pool by spending their training points. 

Down To The Core, Part 1: Construction Begins

I am the Warden and this is my 200th post!!

In times gone by, I've made a point of marking these milestones with a review of the previous 49, 99, or 149 posts before. Over the past few weeks, I've been juggling back and forth between carrying on with tradition or forging a new path. There's a lot to talk about over the last 49 posts, from the Kickstarter to the ENnie award, but my mind is looking forward once more and the ideas are far too fresh to get caught up in the past. Today, I want to talk about the future of the Optional System and the evolution of the Optional Core.

I've used the name "Optional Core" before to describe a planned project where Directors could create their own customized version of the Optional System and provide an open system for use in multiple genres, settings, and styles. In a sense, that has not changed, but the application is currently undergoing significant revisions. My original plan was to keep working on these revisions privately and without making a fuss out of it, but we are talking about a special milestone and this blog was fundamental in the creation of the Optional System and Killshot. Denying that fact is denying my creative process. AKA why fix what's not broken?

Remember when I talked about quick-start adventures as a possible product line? Optional Core would be that product line and the system powering it. A kind of condensed and simplified version of the original Optional System from which each adventure can expand and amplify as needed. Existing primarily as a series of quick-start adventures, it could also exist as a series of free, promotional rulebooks for willing and/or experienced players to take the rules beyond the game, create original characters, and expand the adventure into a full-on campaign.

Using My Big Boy Words

I am the Warden!!

You'd think by my blog alone that there's very little action going on right now, but that's so far from the truth. Aside from the official announcement of Killshot Reloaded (see the BRG site for details) and the progression of development in the new edition, I've also been plugging away on a new Kickstarter video for the upcoming Shaintar campaign by Sean Patrick Fannon, finishing up the final piece for Killshot Files #2, putting the next instalment of High Plains Samurai together, and working on a silent project on the side. If I haven't been posting enough, it's because I'm writing too much.

And that's the irony of today's post. It came to me last month that perhaps I haven't been writing enough, particularly when it comes to adventure design. When I'm running a game, I'm a massive fan of improvising. I'll detail a basic plot, flesh and stat out characters, establish locations, and run with everything as it plays out to provide players with a rich and reactive setting.

The problem is the contradiction with what I really need for adventure design and publication. It's something discovered during the past couple of Killshot or Optional Core sessions that must be seriously and correctly addressed in the new edition. When you don't write down the entire adventure and plan out your fight scenes in advance, you tend to take liberties with your text. For example, it never occurred to me during any of the various drafts for the three jobs published in Killshot: Direction to include a sidebar or any relevant information on how to set up a Tracker for a given scene. There were rules for determining all the chips needed on the board and that seemed good enough. What I've noticed is that without having a solid foundation to set up a scene through the game's mechanics, there's no telling how good or poor the scene will play out. So much information is missing from the text that Directors will have to embellish as they see fit and that can cause serious problems in game satisfaction.

Perhaps no other evidence is required than the outcome of the first session for High Plains Samurai. While the YouTube broadcast was cut out early and remains unavailable to those outside of the Development Team sitting at the table, the last fight scene went horribly awry. Everything went wrong and the fact that I never bothered to write down a set-up for the fight scene contributed to that problem. And it didn't help that my qi points mechanic was totally screwed up.

For tomorrow's game, I've made adjustments and wrote out every fight scene (all five of them) in complete detail, from how many Teams are provided in what order to a list of pre-existing triggers and outcomes for the fight using the new fight management system undergoing construction for Reloaded. How will it turn out? You can find out tomorrow as we stream a live broadcast of the game through the Optional Core community on G+. 

Initiative Without Dice? [Optional Core]

In the Optional System, the Team with the Edge gets to act first.
The problem is establishing which Team gets that honour. 

I am the Warden!!

During last week's recap of our first playtest session of High Plains Samurai, I mentioned the need for initiative in the game. On the surface, the idea sounds simple and viable because the majority of initiative rules in RPGs involve a dice roll and since the Optional System is a dice-rolling machine, this shouldn't be a big deal, right?

Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I had no idea how wrong that theory was.

Let's start by explaining how turn order works in Killshot, the original and only published version involving the Optional System. The main characters, AKA assassins, pretty much always go first. Because it is a game of strategy and planning, players must set a plan in motion and will likely always go first. That works for a realistic and tactical game like Killshot, but it's shit in a martial arts clone. It provides a near automatic victory for the heroes assisted by their bonus options, Pass reactions, and everything else. The only other means to force heroes to go next involves villains and thugs applying triggers before the fight scene begins, but that can get old and tired after a while. And what if the heroes set down a trigger designed to go off when the thugs' trigger activates, huh? It can potentially reach ridiculous heights.

High Plains Samurai, Act One Recap [Optional Core]

I am the Warden!!

On Friday night, the Development Team got down to business and we started up Act One of High Plains Samurai, our playtest campaign for Optional Core. Quick summary? It was excellent right up until the end when the players cashed in all their qi to defeat 2 villains in one fell swoop. While I'm sure it felt awesome for the players, it demonstrated a major flaw in combat design.

There's plenty more to talk about, but first let's get started with some videos. You can catch the first four hours of our exploits (and now we know there is a four-hour time limit on all Hangout broadcasts) here on YouTube.

And for a clearer version of the HPS intro movie...

Ironically enough, the majority of problems happened after the broadcast cut out. The fight between Spider (a wanted fugitive sought out by Fraser's hero, Maoser) and Black Scorpion/Kiki were drastically different. While there's still loads of review and recapping ahead before I can create a concrete list of revisions and new material for next month's game, here's what I have so far. 

This Ain't Your Assassin's Game [Optional Core]

From the film, The Warrior's Way.

I am the Warden!!

This morning is spent hanging out in a McDonalds in Ottawa, of all places, while I'm waiting for the missus to write her admission exams for a (fingers crossed) spring college course. Laptop in hand, riding off the free wifi, and loving how things are so different for adults hanging out in public places than with teenagers.

After producing an intro trailer for High Plains Samurai and revisions to the Optional System character record, it's time to nail down some of the new rules and concepts for Friday's first foray into this mini-campaign/playtest. And it's become entirely clear how different a martial arts campaign is from Killshot.

Don't get me wrong, it's still the Optional System in every way, but there are some distinct differences between one and the other. Would you like to see a list? Some of these are direct quotes from the original documents I'm working on this morning.

Struggling With Slow Motion [Optional Core]

You can't talk about slow motion
without paying tribute to the master.

I am the Warden!!

Ever since my early days plugging away on the Optional System, I've been unable to come up with any effective and reasonable mechanic for simulating slow motion in an action game. At first, it was intended solely as a cinematic effect capable of allowing heroes to increase their odds of success at a limited rate (once per series) or as a means to provide perfect accuracy and completion at a limited rate (once per scene). Nothing stuck and it took a back burner to proceed with the more realistic and less cinematic Killshot.

With High Plains Samurai starting up on Friday and Optional Core playtesting well under way, it's time to take another look.

So... uh, yeah. How about that slow motion mechanic, eh?

That's just the problem - I'm still drawing blanks. Not to come up with any solution, but an appropriate one that doesn't reek of a stick-on mechanic. For example, having it work as an extension to a stunt where you gain +2d10 on a single stunt roll or perform a stunt with decreased difficulty seems to cheapen the impact I want from slow motion mechanics. Plus it comes across as a stunt. Even providing stunts as an opportunity to perform cinematic slow motion in games just seems like a tacked idea.

The Editing Booth [Twilight Continuum]

I am the Warden!!

Look to your right and check out the Twilight Continuum Kickstarter launched by Mystical Throne. If you've checked it out before, take a look at the new video and look at this project with new eyes. There's also a pound of new info and previews of what's to come.

In between two days of meetings and commuting, I whipped up the intro for what will become the Video Continuum promoting Twilight Continuum. After some feedback regarding the original video, I offered to put something together as a teaser trailer for the project and an open for regular video/audio updates by everyone involved in the project.

With my own upcoming Kickstarter plans (currently on temporary hold while I sort out a few other issues and clear my slate), having an opportunity to test out this laptop's editing capabilities is exactly the kind of practise I need to prep the half-dozen videos I plan to release, including a how-to-play Killshot video. (Unfortunately, I can't make a simple video. The old film school student in me simply has to try and push that tiny envelope.) As the month continues, keep your eyes peeled for updates on the Continuum and there'll be some posts discussing my plans and dreams for Books 2 and 5 right here on this blog.

Building the Playtest [Optional Core]

I am the Warden!!

On top of everything else going on this past week, there were two playtests for two different games in development: Optional Core and TPK. Today, we're going to talk about Optional Core because this one's actually on my to-do list and TPK is on my why-dude-there's-already-so-much-you-have-to-do list.

The Development Team showed up for their monthly game Friday night and it was the first time we sat down to specifically test out Optional Core. Unlike Killshot, which has a specific setting/timeline/genre, Optional Core is intended for use in nearly anything you can devise for your personal RPG. Up until the day before, I had intended to use an old setting of mine (if anyone happens to have read Combat Advantage #16 from my Emerald Press days, you may recognize Cassia) and adapt it accordingly to suit the characters everyone rolls up. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed counterintuitive to the purpose of testing Optional Core. I'm not trying to make a game that works within an existing genre or setting, I'm trying to create a game that can handle any genre or setting. Therefore, we should devise the setting at the same time as the characters.

There were, however, certain conditions this setting had to include for playtesting reasons.

2013: The Year of Reality

I am the Warden!!

That's right, kids. It's time for yet another blog to recognize the end of 2012 and talk about everything he wants to accomplish in 2013, AKA New Year's resolutions. My mind is flooded with them at the moment and, as I always do in times of uncertainty, I turn to my blog for guidance like a purse snatching victim turns to Batman as the scumbag runs away with her bag.

As much as I could spend time going over the good and bad of 2012 (with much of it awesome, despite the numerous difficulties still going on in my personal life), my focus remains on the coming year. There's great doom ahead; I can feel it. Based on how certain events have closed out this year, I can tell the early months of 2013 will be incredibly challenging and what kicks me in the balls hardest is that I can't talk about them in any detail online or in any public forum. Hell, even being vague is probably not a smart move, but a writer expresses himself through his craft because he knows no other way. The ongoing lawsuit for my accident makes it incredibly difficult and unwise to freely share my views and comments on such matters because it's incredibly easy for such posts to be taken out of context. Don't believe me? There's a giant stack of papers bound in volumes as thick as Senate committee reports for my online posts alone, including my Kickstarter project for Killshot, my Twitter account, Facebook, and everything else. So while I would love nothing more than to include these details as part of my own healing process, it's not a smart thing to do right now. As always, you'll just have to trust me on a few matters and allow the topic to move on without explanation.

Balancing Precariously

I am the Warden!!

It's been said before and will likely find itself repeated all over the blogosphere from every other aspiring freelance game designer, but what the fuck, eh? Being able to balance your workload with your personal life is a significant key to your success. And last week was a major test of mine.

For details, wander over to this link and then come on back. (P.S. I'm still not going into any details on these personal issues, but I will say things are in full swing to get back on track.) Those of you sticking with me and this blog may remember my current projects include the Adventurer gamebook, Fires Across the Plains, Killshot: Reloaded, the newly announced Optional Core, and the next issue of Killshot Files. Add to that my desire to submit something for Kobold Press' Valhalla Calling open adventure call and it's already a hefty workload for a relative newcomer. Plus I'm juggling weekly articles for Broken Ruler and Under the Hood, running online demos, and creating promotional videos for said projects.

Of course, there's no way I can continue with this topic without using some form of analogy to simulate the upcoming point, so here goes. A freelancer's life is much like carrying water in cupped hands. Too much and you'll lose half of it. Not enough and you'll never be able to quench your thirst. And to complicate matters, you have to keep a tight seal between your fingers and palms or else by the time you make it to your destination, there won't be anything left to drink.

While I've been dealing with serious personal issues, I have been reflecting a great deal on my current strategies and whether or not there are any major flaws in the forecast. More importantly, how can I arrange my work flow so that I can handle these last minute and unexpected changes, including additional work? (Hey, it can happen and a true professional would be prepared for such an event, right?) It's a process that's taken months of trial and effort, success and heartache, to get to a comfortable and reliable point. It's not perfect and remains constricted by other factors, yet has given me enough confidence to start taking on a decent workload.

This is where the topic gets a bit interesting and I want to stress a vital fact. Due to the accident, I have some severe problems with concentration, memory, and multi-tasking. This changes the "hand of water" analogy to carrying the water in only one hand. It brings up a valid question, one that has lead to some unexpected reactions: How the fuck do I expect to do the work with these problems? Read on and I'll tell you.